I Loved You Then (I Love You Now)
by panicmoonwalker
Summary: Now there she was in bed, Cece softly shaking her leg to wake her up. It was a bad idea to play True American the night before a wedding.
**All the discussion of what the season 5 finale may hold and the impact of "Helmet" have resulted in this creation!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Jess wants to be as excited as Cece on her wedding day, but when she wakes up she can't help but have a heavy heart. So much had happened in the past 24 hours. She thought Sam was going to propose, then he didn't, they broke up – mutually in fact, because ironically he was also in love with his best friend. It hadn't surprised her when Sam told Jess, she had seen the way he looked at her. What surprised Jess is when he called out her feelings for Nick.

Sam had already known the answer when he asked if she still loved Nick. Jess was drunk and emotional because of True American, so she didn't deny it any longer. Ever since she discovered the background of Nick's helmet, and since she met Diane, she had been questioning where they stood. Nick had given her such a significant item as a gift, and as time went past getting ready for Schmidt and Cece's wedding, Jess realised how deep their love had been. If they had known how deeply they felt back then, they might still be together.

Then hearing Diane talking about how much she cared for Sam, how they would always be there for each other no matter what, it really resonated with her. It reminded her of her relationship with Nick, but less complicated. She found out it's because nothing had yet happened between the two of them, but at this point she knew it was inevitable. The way her and Nick were inevitable.

Sam had left soon after they broke up, collecting all his things and with his last words he encouraged her to go after Nick. To be happy with him, not chasing after anything that wasn't meant to be.

But as the elevator doors open, her heart fell into her stomach. Reagan. With her arrival, Jess thought it would be impossible to talk to Nick. A few weeks before he had been freaking out about how to ask her to be his date to the wedding. He seemed to really like her. Jess' confidence was shot as she feigned excitement as Reagan greeted her.

She hadn't thought that hard into what Nick and Reagan had before when she had arrived home from jury duty. Nick thought it was going to be weird, and there would be jealousy, but that hadn't been a problem back then. Jess wasn't so sure about this time.

Now there she was in bed, Cece softly shaking her leg to wake her up. It was a bad idea to play True American the night before a wedding. After what felt like hours she opened her eyes and spotted the glass of water and medicine on her bedside table. She was eternally grateful that Cece didn't get too drunk last night, but no amount of medicine was going to get rid of the ache she felt in her chest.

Jess decides not to tell Cece about her internal drama about Nick, it was her day (or Schmidt's) to shine. Bringing up her complicated and scary feelings would just make the day more chaotic.

* * *

Nick had been eager for Reagan to come back for the wedding for a while, but when she finally arrived, Jess in tow, it didn't feel right. He could tell by the way Jess _wasn't_ looking at him that something was up. Had Sam not had a friendly departure? Was she just upset that things hadn't worked out? Or that she would now be recently single at her best friend's wedding?

He didn't have time to see if Jess was okay as Reagan was quick to hug him and start chatting, catching up and whatever. He couldn't stop thinking about what was exactly was wrong and why Jess wouldn't look him in the eye as he watched her sulk away to her room.

Seeing Jess walk away with such defeat on her shoulders made the familiar ache in his chest crawl its way back in. It was the one Nick had gotten since he first met her, whenever she was clearly upset about anything. Later that night, once everyone was asleep, Nick noticed that her light was still on and he could hear soft cries on the other side of the door. He tapped lightly on the door, wanting desperately to soothe her pain but he only got a whisper of "Go away, Nick" and more soft sobs, the ache he felt intensifying.

* * *

Jess surprised herself at how well she managed to put on a happy face once she had sobered up. Cece is who and what mattered today. Reagan was harder to feel or behave normal around, but she managed to keep the act well enough for Cece or anyone who was good at reading her not to notice. She understood that Cece was probably focused on her wedding anyway, and that's why she hadn't noticed Jess frown slightly every time Reagan spoke about Nick.

"Hey Jess, did I ever thank you for the advice you gave me about Nick?" Reagan asks, and Jess looks down at her feet and shrugs. "Well thank you."

They're silent for another few minutes before she continues, "I'm really glad he asked me to be his date to the wedding. It's so sweet, he told me how scared he was to ask me."

Jess used all of her strength not to scream at Reagan, to tear her eyes or hair out. Being with Nick at Cece's weddings were _their_ thing, not his and Reagan's. But Jess wasn't allowed to be jealous now, she wasn't his girlfriend. Not even a potential candidate (so she thought). Instead Jess just put on her best fake laugh and said, "Try not to get involved in any shenanigans they may have planned."

Before Reagan could possibly talk more about Nick, Jess runs out of the kitchen and to the bathroom to shower. Jess strips out of her pyjamas and jumps into the shower where she lets the tears fall freely once again.

Loving your best friend is the hardest thing to do, she had decided. It hurt so much, because loving him put so much on the line. Loving anybody meant sacrifices. If that meant letting Nick be happy with Reagan, then she could do it. If he was happy, then she could be happy right? No matter how strong the pull she felt to him got, his happiness was always first.

Their love for each other had threatened their close friendship once, and she's not sure it would last if they broke each other's hearts once again.

* * *

Nick hadn't been able to see Jess in the morning of the wedding. Schmidt had pulled him out of bed in the early hours of the morning to go over last minute things, watching the venue be set up, going over vows and getting ready. In the midst of all the chaos around him, he couldn't ignore the feeling tugging at his chest that there was something beyond Sam that was bothering Jess. Very few times had his mind crossed the woman he was _supposedly_ interested in.

But with his bond with Jess, Reagan faded into nothing in his brain. Jess was so much more than Reagan could ever be, even if nothing ever happened between again. Giving Jess the helmet that Christmas had defined how much she meant to him, how much he loved her. The gift from his father that was close to his heart, he had given to the person he had believed would always have his heart. The childhood treasure was now mostly destroyed, but it was given so much more meaning than before when Jess had framed part of the helmet and gave it back to him as a gift.

The love between them he never believed would be fully annihilated, but he had lost hope a long time ago of them ever reconciling. It couldn't be a possibility.

* * *

Jess had managed to keep her mind off Nick for most of the day, but as they climbed into the limo to head to the abandoned warehouse where Schmidt and Cece were getting married, she could feel her heart beat erratically at the thought of seeing Nick again. Apparently, her head wasn't able to deal with the fact that she was still stupidly in love with her ex-boyfriend and her best friend. Jess felt like she was the one about to get married, that was how nervous she felt. Maybe the solution was just to get it out in the open and tell him how she felt. No. Nick already broke his helmet so that she could be happy with Sam, so now she could make the sacrifice so he could be happy with Reagan or whoever he pleased. Plus, it was Cece's wedding day, that's what she kept telling herself, Jess needed to be there for her best friend, not stuck up in her own problems.

When the car pulled up to the venue, Jess let all the other bridesmaids go first and was about to slide out when Cece pulled on her arm to keep her inside. "Ceec, what's wrong? Are you freaking out?" Jess asked frantically, her eyes bugging out of her head.

"Jess, if anybody is about to fall apart here it's you." Cece chuckles, resting her hands in her lap. "You've been acting weird all morning! Are you upset about Sam dumping you?"

"No it was _mutual_ , Cece." Jess grunts, "Really now isn't the time to worry about me and my feelings!"

"I want you to be able to enjoy yourself on my wedding day, I'm just worried about you." Cece frowns, "Even Nick has texted me at least 6 times asking if we talked and if you were okay."

Cece notices as Jess's face falls at the sound of his name, trying to hide the obvious anxiety in her eyes. "Is it about Nick? Did you two have a fight? Seriously Jess, what is going on?"

"Look, the reason Sam and I broke up is because he realised that he was in love with freaking Diane and then went on to call me out on how much I'm still in love with Nick! God, that feels good to say out loud. I love him, Cece! And I can't do anything because it would jeopardise our friendship more than we already have and he really likes Reagan, I just want him to be happy. You understand that right? But at the same time seeing him with Reagan… I don't want to think about what it feels like. I don't want to talk about it anymore because it's your wedding, it's about you and I can put my feelings aside for one day, just don't worry Cece."

Cece tried to keep the smile from creeping up on her face, she failed. But before she could think of what to say in return, Jess was jumping out of the limo and ushering Cece out, eager to move past the conversation and move on with the day. Cece and Schmidt's day.

* * *

When Jess walks down the aisle, her eyes immediately fall on Nick. He's in a beige suit with a red tie, matching well with her red lacy dress. She allows herself to look into his eyes for the first time in over 24 hours and she forgets why she had been scared of how she felt. Just looking at him made her feel better. No matter what happened, he was always going to be there for her. There was always going to be something there, she had to accept it and move on, they both deserved to be happy. She loved him so much but pining over him isn't what was best for her. She could put it behind her right?

Jess wanted to believe her own words but as words of admiration and love were exchanged between Schmidt and Cece, her mind kept drifting to Nick. A shy smile formed on her face as her eyes connected with Nick's once again, unspoken words being shared between them as the ceremony continued. Years of feelings that were never communicated were let out with a stare, a smile and a singular tear. Jess is able to wipe away the tear and pass it off as the wedding being emotional. He knew, surely he understood that moment and what was happening. She could only hope.

They're both pulled out of their trance when Schmidt and Cece are announced husband and wife, and everyone is clapping and cheering, especially Nick and Jess.

* * *

Once everyone is settled down at the reception, Nick manages to escape to the bathroom. Something happened in that ceremony. No, not Schmidt and Cece getting married, which is the obvious. Jess. She had looked at him as if he had been the last person earth. As if she had just won a year's worth of yarn. Like they were in bed, just chatting and laughing. It was a look of happiness, of love. There was no way Jess loved him like that anymore. That would bring up so many questions.

It was _Jess_.

Could he be why Jess and Sam broke up? Is that why she seemed so much more upset when Reagan appeared again? He loved Jess of course, it was something that never changed. He just kept it hidden so that she could be happy and move on, Nick would never hold her back from being happy.

He exits the bathroom, his hand rubbing over his face as he tries to sort out his thoughts. Nick looks up from where he's standing and he can see Jess, standing alone near the dancefloor watching Schmidt and Cece dancing and kissing. A good example to follow.

Before he could get to Jess, Reagan appears in front of him with a huge grin on her face, catching him off guard. He feels guilty, he had completely forgotten about Reagan, and that she was the one he had asked to be his date. All he wants to do is say goodbye to Reagan forever, run to Jess and make up for all their lost time together. But Nick is a _gentleman_ , so he follows Reagan onto the dancefloor and tries not to look back on the heartbroken face of Jess Day.

* * *

Jess had been _so_ sure Nick understood the moment they had during the ceremony, it was so real that no words had to be spoken between them. But then she sees Reagan drag Nick to the dancefloor. She feels her heart shatter as she pulls him in close for a slow dance. Love was dumb. Weddings were dumb. The pain she feels is worse than the first time they broke up, and she just wants to run away. If she runs away then she can be by herself so she can forget Nick, she could move on. Loving him was too much.

Nick turned around and met her eyes again, her heart breaking as his face pulled into a deep frown. He didn't want to be there. It didn't make any difference to how much it hurt. Jess rushed out of the reception as quickly as possible, only making contact with Cece, who understood the look on her friends face and knew to leave her be for a while.

Love wasn't supposed to this hard, was it? Hard was good though, hard _was_ Nick and Jess. It was never simple, and she never wanted it to be simple. For every reason she thought of why they shouldn't get back together, she was reminded of the love and memories and why it was good.

Jess let the tears fall freely once she reached the parking lot, her arms wrapping around her stomach as the sobs escaped her mouth. After a few minutes, she could hear multiple sets of footsteps, annoyed grunting and then silence. "Honestly, I like you but the two of you are so frustrating and stubborn, I can't get in between you and Jess." Reagan yells, Jess jumping behind a nearby car so she can listen in. "I'm sorry."

She doesn't hear Nick's reply but she can see Nick pat her on the shoulder before Reagan walks away, "Go get her, idiot. She's behind that car."

An audible gasp escapes Jess' mouth, Nick's head turns towards the noise, the air filling with a tense silence. Her body reacts on automatic, walking towards Nick slowly. "Hi."

"Hey, Jess." He steps closer as well.

"Nick…"

"I know." Nick chuckles, hands hovering down her arms and taking hold of her hands. "I… Me too."

"I really want to be with you again, for us to be _us_ again, but I'm scared." Jess breathes heavily, "I'm not ready to lose you again, you've always been so important to me and I can't lose you."

"You'll never get rid of me, Jessica, I thought you'd know that by now." Nick leans in closer, "That's something you should never worry about. I'm scared too… but I believe in us and I'm not willing to let you go."

"I love you, Nick!" Jess' smile is so wide she feels like it might fall off her face. Her arms wrapped around his neck, fingers playing with the hair on the back of his head, "I love you so much. I don't think I ever truly stopped loving you."

Her heart was dancing rapidly inside her chest as he grinned, his eyes flickering from hers down to her lips. They haven't been this close (in a serious situation) in a long time. Nick's lips brushed over hers, his thumb stroking her jaw softly. Jess giggled before their lips connected again, his arms wrapping around her waist and picking her up, the kiss lifting every negative feeling off their shoulders.

"We are going to make this work this time, Jess. Because I'm certain that Cece isn't going to have another wedding for us to figure our feelings out." Nick laughs, kissing just below her ear, "I love you."

"What do we do now?"

"Go home. We can enjoy the apartment to ourselves, watch Mulan, drink some wine and have a _lot_ of catch up sex."

"Sounds perfect."


End file.
